My Top Ten Restaurant Pet Peeves

This past week I have read several lists of the worst trends in restaurants.  I am not that sophisticated, but here is a list of my top ten restaurant pet peeves.  This is what really pisses me off.

1) Bad Reservation Policies: This covers the gambit. If you are super busy restaurant, congrats. But do you, or don't you, take reservations? First you don't, then you sort of ( call ahead seating), then you do, then you don't. Please make up your mind!!!!! And if you do, HONOR the reservation, which may get lost as the policy changes weekly. For my money, if you are that busy, you need to take reservations. Your food may be good, but I wouldn't wait two hours to see the pope. Are you listening Springfield Restaurant Group Mercer restaurants?

2) Small Plates: What the hell are small plates? I was looking for a place to eat the other day and found a trendy dining establishment that had not only small plates, but medium plates, and large plates!!! You aren't fooling me. It's a fancy way to charge more for smaller portions, or a tricky way to do an ala carte menu. Just give me the entree with a salad and potato. 

3) Dessert Trays: How long has that stuff been sitting there? Okay, some of it is plastic, but geez...plastic dessert? Just tell me what is made on site and what was imported frozen from Chicago. The stuff from Chicago is probably better!!!!

4) Family Recipes: Pizza made just like my sainted grandmother used to make. Okay, but whatever happened to the customer is always right? I don't like peppers with my pizza. They give me the runs. So don't tell me I can't order pizza without peppers because that's how grandma made it. Whoever said your grandma could cook?

5) Goofy ta-da girls: This is my biggest restaurant gripe. These are the fluff chicks who seat you. I don't know the intricacies of assigning restaurant tables to various waiter stations, but some of these folks are nauseating. It must take at least a masters degree. Don't seat me right next to the kitchen when the entire place is empty. Same can be said being seated by the door when it's cold outside. And a smile and friendly greeting might be nice once in awhile. And what are you looking at when I ask for a table for 2? It's a table for 2!!!! I am sorry for putting you out, but the fact that I am going to drop a hundred in your place of business should count for something.

6) Unruly children: Restaurants should not be afraid to ask parents with unruly children to leave, especially restaurants obviously not intended for children. It's one thing if it is the corner tavern or Frisch's Big Boy. It's another if it is a white table cloth restaurant with entrees that start at $25.00. If Mom and Dad are too cheap to hire a sitter, they shouldn't be there. Alternatively, children left untended while Mom and Dad are drinking is inexcusable. Letting little Johnny run around the restaurant screaming at the top of his lungs while Mom is talking on her cell drinking Martini number 3 is unfair to all of the other patrons. Throw Mom and the little brat out.  Then bar the door and don't let them back in.

7) Stacked food: I eat starting at twelve o'clock then eat my way around the plate clockwise. Just a quirk of mine.  I take pills for it.  I don't eat up and down. I get scared when I see stacked food. How do they get that cherry tomato to sit on top of a tower of meat, potatoes, green beans, and carrot shavings? Oh, it must be by the toothpick that just pierced my upper gum.  I avoid all food that needs an architect to cook it.

8) Puddles: I know presentation is half the battle, but I like my sauce on top of my food, not under it. How can anyone put a filet mignon on a puddle of coo-coo berry puree? I could us a little bordelaise on the side, and slop that gravy right on top of the turkey.

9) Cold Hot Sandwiches: There's one restaurant here in town that makes its hot roast beef sandwich with beef right out of the refrigerator placed on bread kept on top of the refrigerator by the back door with a scoop of cold mashed potatoes and topped with room temperature gravy. In fact, there are several local restaurants that do that. So when I order, I always ask to make sure the hot sandwich is...well...hot. They think I am nuts, but c'mon. And even when I ask, I usually get lukewarm.  Hey...ever heard of a microwave?

10) Waiting for the Check: I think I hate this most of all. When I am done eating, don't forget about me. I still have to pay. I know you have other tables to take care, and your probably grossly understaffed, but please...please...let me pay so I can get the hell out of there. I am ready to go after I eat my cold stacked sandwich sitting in a puddle of gravy at my table by the front door next to 3 screaming crumb grinders pounding the table with spoons as mom slops down her 4th beer eating that grandma style home cooked dinner served on various sized plates...with peppers.

Next time I might stay home and try a Stouffer's French Bread pizza. There, I feel better now.